There, That Killed Him!

You may have seen one or two of these before, but have you seen ALL 5 AT ONCE!? Well, for my next trick, I'm going to pull a rabbit out of my hat. But you can't see the rabbit, the hat, or me (unless you have eyes that can peer through the internet into my room, in which case please stop it. Seriously f*n stop it!) Anyway, here's the video:


Don't Judge Too Quickly... We Won't. - Funny bloopers R us

This One's For Ma Homies

Oh my beloved fans, all 2 or 3 of you, how your great manatee hath forsaken you. Well, I'm back so hush your sobs and wipe your tears. Yadda yadda yadda, enjoy.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

There's a Lot of WTF Out There

Sometimes you just hit a f*ng goldmine on Google. I think this guy represents the height of my internetting.

Welcome to Guinea Pig Heaven

This has got to be at once the most disturbing and yet the most pure and beautiful thing I've ever seen. If there is a guinea pig heaven, I give you guinea pig God:



I'm serious, you could show this to your kids when their guinea pig dies and tell them that this is guinea pig heaven and they will either stop crying or cry a LOT harder. Such a cozy floof.

And in Other News...

The pigs did not interrupt her; she interrupted them! What REALLY bothers me about this video, though, is the guy who steps in to presumably stop the pig 'situation'... Is it just me, or is he reaching between there and helping!? SPCA!!!



I have a feeling some farmer somewhere named Jed is getting off on this, and it makes me sad. Stop it, Jed.

The Funniest Joke in the World?

I googled "funniest joke in the world" and I was somewhat disappointed. Click here for the joke --> FAIL

Pork, Beans, and Chris Cocker.

I think this is just a little awesome. Wouldn't you agree?



They are missing so many good youtube stars, though! Where's Daxflame and angry German kid!? Weezer, you has wronged me!

Kitty + Bird just WOULDN'T have had the same effect.

I'm hanging my head in shame...but I'm giggling while doing so.

I'm Moving to Thailand

If I ever go to a family picnic and "No, son, that's just a transvestite" is muttered casually by a father, I'll know I've lost my everloving mind...or I'm in Thailand.



By the way, can anyone tell me WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?! I think they should change the slogan from "The light is your true friend" to "A sh*tload of acid is your true friend".

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF

I saw a lady waiting for the bus today who was dressed head to toe in black. She was wearing this incredibly tight black spandexy dress with black leggings. Her rolls were about 6 in count at the back, and it looked like she was ready to feed a sextuplet of suckling f*ing piglets with those things. Hence the inspiration for the motivational poster you see before you.

Hickory dickory...WHAT?

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

And now the cat stands on trail for reckless endangerment causing death.

(I'm a hop skip and a litterbox away from "i can has cheezburger?" here, I know. But the rhyme was adorable and I COULDN'T HELP IIIIIIT. Someone please, refer a good therapist.)

Macro Food Pictures

I am so sick of seeing no uniqueness whatsoever in food postings and food blogs online. EVERYONE uses the same damn close-up macro food shot in their pictures. People buy right into it, too. I could feature a hunk of sh*t and I bet it would make it onto one of these food sites if I put it in a cupcake wrapper and took a close-up picture of it.

Manatee's Delicious Waffle Recipe:

Step 1: BUY A BOX OF F*NG EGGO WAFFLES
Step 2: Toast them and put some butter and f*ng jam on them

Motivational Posters

They're sooo last year!

But I couldn't help making one.

Your Stomach is the Bouncer.

This is an oldie but goodie. Jim Breuer gives you the run down on how to drink successfully by reenacting what goes on in your stomach.



I just want to add as a tip here: don't ever ever ever f*ing drink a lot and then eat a sh*tload of noodles. Seriously. If you should happen to yack, it's like a billion worms crawling out of your throat drenched in whiskey- not the kind of experience you want to print on a t-shirt. Actually, wait! THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME TSHIRT! "I drank half a 60 pounder of Jack with 4 servings of chow mein and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (and puke that was like a billion whiskey-drenched f*ing worms crawling out of my throat)." Take note, birthday presents...

DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE!

Only a genius can mock everyone on the planet, demean their emotions and what they consider important, and be successful in not only getting away with it, but making it HILARIOUS to those very same people. I give you Ernest Cline!

The Dangers of Helium

You know how you can inhale helium, and it makes your voice sound like one of those creepy f*ing gnomes from The Wizard of Oz? Well, imagine if it could have the opposite effect? You inhale a little gas and sound like a flaming demon from the 6th dimension of Hell! I'd totally do that when I was in bed with someone - I'd take a little huff from a balloon under the bed and then I'd be like "YEAH LET'S DO THIS F*CK ME" in this crazy evil voice... Maybe you'd have to be there, but this is the closest I can offer:



Now, you might be wondering why Adam tells you not to try this at home. It's just a freaking balloon, right? Well, I only want to include this story because I can imagine a lot of people wanting to inhale helium and not realizing how dangerous it can actually be. Yes, I have a conscience...Or it might just be gas...But anyway, a few years ago in the North Shore News, I read an article about a boy who was inhaling helium from the can for his little sister's birthday. He was just doing it to make her laugh but it cut off the oxygen to his brain and he dropped dead. I'm not joking and this isn't an urban legend. I'll see if I can find the article. Okay, I found the article but I have to PAY to access it. You get the copy-paste for validity:

Student dies after inhaling helium gas

VANCOUVER - An 18-year-old North Vancouver man died Sunday after inhaling helium used to blow up balloons for a toddler's birthday party, as a joke. "It's a real tragedy," said Surrey RCMP Const.... (177 words)

Source: CanWest News Service
Page: A10, Edition: Final

So anyway, that video was hilarious right? hahahah. Yeah, I totally ruined the mood.

Haha this lady is funny. What lady?

I can only hope to be so happy in my old age (and consequential INSANITY).

I realize that alzheimers is no laughing matter, but anything that is no laughing matter when put into the right context is funny. It may be in poor taste to make fun of a disease which takes someone's personality and mind before it takes their body, and in turn takes their loved ones on a journey of great emotional turmoil. It would be just as dispicable to make fun of AIDS, a tragic life-shortening illness with such a horrible social stigma that not only do you have to die, but you also have to feel ashamed for it. Holy shit I'm depressed now. I need a joke.

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, “Yes?”

“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward was sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks.
“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease! (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questions Mrs.. Ward.

“Normally, yes. But Medicare won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him”.

DELETE CAPITAL AGHHHH!!!

All this time, I've been typing like some kind of slack-jawed yokel! Who would have thought there was an easier way.